As moods go, this one is pretty sad.
This weekend the United Way has a pretty major special event – Awards Night at the Movies. We are the ONLY charity in Canada with permission to show the Academy Awards up on the big screen as a fundraiser. This is our 4th year and it’s pretty special for us.
Every year we roll out the red carpet, and we had a lot of fun, getting dressed up.
Well when I started this health journey back in September, there was a real thought, some time and space decicated to the thought, that come Awards Night in 2013, I would be a much smaller person. I figured after 6 months I’d be down 4 sizes, into an 18 at least.
That was the plan. I worked my butt, but not off, as I’m only really down one.
The food tracking, the thinking, the cooking, the denial, the staying focused, the hours upon hours at the gym….I couldn’t be healthier….but I could be slimmer.
It hit me like a ton of bricks last night.
Today was an all promotion day, so I had to decide last night, what sequined and sparkly things I was going to wear for the TV appearance today, and well the radio too, not that you can see me, but it would add to the energy of the day.
It was upon searching my closet that I had remembered I’d set this target.
I wanted to walk our Red Carpet and feel fantastic, to wear something slim, to be elegant, to be comfortable in my own skin.
But alas, despite everyone’s’ best efforts, this is not the case.
Not giving up, but I am taking a moment to grieve, be upset and be angry.
I need to get past that, as I have a major special event to look after, and it’s about raising money for kid and youth projects, not about whether I can fit into a gown or not. But I so wished to be slimmer.
People donate to people, and society doesn’t much like fat people, and while donors donate to us because of the work we do, I can’t help but wonder, how much more we could do with more funds, and how much more funds we could get if I conformed more to what society wants from appearance…it’s wrong…but that doesn’t make it untruthful.
So I will pout tonight, sulk and generally be sad. And tomorrow I’ll tell myself to shake it off, think of the children, and grow up.