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Trying to find center

strive

My silence is reflective, but not progressive.

My silence is internal, but not encouraging.

My silence is deafening, but not heard.

It’s been a struggle the past few weeks.  The busyness of the holidays slid into the quiet of an empty house.  The return to work was accompanied by a massive winter storm.

I haven’t made it to the gym, and I need to get going again.  Just not sure how to get started.

Shovelling the snow has left my shoulders aching, and I feel like I’m missing some essential supplement and I’m just not sure which one.

But we soldier on.

Made a HUGE crock pot of beef stew this weekend.  Started with bone broth, and went from there.  Having eaten it for the past 6 meals – not breakfast – it was really good.  There’s ton in the freezer too.

Still following the food plan, still being pretty active, just not feeling the joy.

Struggling with willpower

Willpower is the ability to resist short-term temptations in order to meet long-term goals.

self-discipline

I don’t see this as a confession.  Confession implies guilt, guilt implies wrong doing.

People refer to being off an eating plan as “cheating”.  That doesn’t sit with me. If I decide to eat a pie, then that’s not cheating, I’ve decided to add pie to my food plan.  It’s a bad choice, and while it doesn’t seem to have had too negative affect

…yes I ate a pie, a whole pie, over an afternoon and evening, it was all I ate that day…a whole pie..WTF is right!

it was still a full choice.

I think I look at ‘cheating’ the same way as regret: I don’t believe in it. If you know what you’re doing, and you make the choice to do it, then that’s your plan.  A person can be cheated, and the person doing it is cheating, but you as a person cannot cheat.

I’m an all or nothing person (no pie vs whole pie) and that’s how my willpower works.

And I’ve been struggling this Christmas, and I’ve managed to finally empty the house of the tempations.  Refocusing and back on track.

I still feel a little lost, emotionally, mentally but it’s getting better.

Not sure where I’m going with this ramble, other than confession my humanity.

Feeling a little lost going into 2015 I think. 2014 was pretty epic, not sure what to do in 2015.

2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 16,000 times in 2014. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 6 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

Where does the fat go?

This article has been making the rounds lately: When You Burn Off That Fat, Where Does It Go?

We talk about burning off fat, and it does burn in a way, going through a complex biochemical process. But mass can’t be created or destroyed, so the atoms that made the triglycerides that plumped up the love handles have got to be somewhere.

I was told, as a young teen, that once you have a fat cell, it never goes away.  It just shrinks under weight loss and grows when you gain weight.  Glad to be proven wrong.

If you remember your high school chemistry, you’ve already figured out that when you metabolize fat you end up with carbon dioxide, water and energy.

Oxidizing 10 kilos of human fat requires inhaling 29 kilos of oxygen to produce 28 kilos of carbon dioxide and 11 kilos of water, the authors figure.

How cool.  So this sign that’s also posted at my gym…is sort of correct…but rather than crying, it’s fat leaving…so long!

Sweat-is-fat-crying

I’m angry at Christmas

Pinterest-picAt first I thought I hated Christmas, for all the real reasons you get frustrated with the event: the pressure to shop, the pressure to produce perfect events: the office Christmas parties etc, the pressure to be and make everything perfect.

But I can cope with that.  Making a budget and doing a lot of my shopping spread over the fall has really helped this year.

Giving up sugar makes Christmas kinda weird.  Still trying to do the traditions with the family, but not indulging yourself.  It’s just not worth it.  Worked so hard to get here, falling off the wagon, even for just one day, makes it so hard to get back on.  And it you do recover and get back on easily, it’s then too easy to make that a regular occurance.  At least for me that’s how I work: all or nothing, in or out.

This year was a tough Christmas, I’m struggling this year with the empty nest. Really struggling, and I don’t know why.

I had plans to visit with friends and feast on Christmas Day with them, but a mild, but icky, stomach bug kept me home on the couch. While the worst of it was Christmas Eve, this was not something to be shared with others.

My poor Up band, didn’t even register over 1500 steps in 48 hours, Christmas Day didn’t even get over 500 steps!

That’s bad!

And by the time I started feeling better Christmas Day night, I knew I was restless for movement again.  It’s 2 km door to door to the office, and I might just walk/jog over to just check on the building.  That will boost my steps to where they should be.

But being sick withstanding, I’m still struggling to resolve ‘Christmas’ in a way that works for me.

I have moral issues (not to mention budget issues) with the whole ‘go south’ for the week/day.  There’s a sense of entitlement of going to a place where staff need to attend to you, and while it’s one thing as a vacation vacation, it’s another to do so as a distraction for a high holiday.  Entertain me people! Everyone needs to have the day they wish.

I guess heading to a culture that does not observe Christmas would work I guess.  Will mull that over.  Not happening for budget reasons, but still, mulling doesn’t hurt.

The kids were home for 5 days, left lunch time Christmas Eve.

empty-nest

And while we fall into old patterns, we really seem awkward around each other.  Our lives are diverging, and that’s ok.  If that’s what is happening naturally.  Adult children are adults, and we raise them to follow their own paths and dreams, that’s really important.  We should never make our children responsible for our own happiness.

As a single person, there’s no ‘spouse’ to turn to to focus on new ideas, new plans, renewal of a relationship.

So I need some goals and dreams of my own, outside of work.  Within work there are tons of goals and dreams, but I fell into the work 18 hours a day trap when the youngest went off to college.

I need to review the goals and achievements of 2014, what worked, what didn’t, and go from there.

I’ve been in a holding patterns since the election loss.  Just recovering from that effort as well as the work overload that’s been happening.

So now what….suggestions?

To The Fit Woman At Marketplace Foods

You told your friend it was nice to see someone like me buy vegetables “for a change.” You know, because you have been shopping with me before to see what I buy.

I haven’t written much lately, and that bugs me. After over two years of musings and information, why go dark?

Sure I needed to pause and focus elsewhere during the election, but that’s over a month gone now, what’s the problem?

I’m down 80 pounds and it’s not like I’m gaining, it’s coming off.

It’s been bugging me for a while.

Today I had a 4+ hour road trip. So I downloaded podcasts and set up a list of them and set out with a mug AND thermos of tea. The roads were clear, but the low clouds/ fog made it a bit of a drab drive.

I went from the BBC’s Friday Night podcast (humour) into a new find – Paleo Geeks, and then into some Jimmy Moore.

Listening to Jimmy, I realized that while I hadn’t strayed back into my old eating ways, my adherence to Keto was slipping significantly. I was very much following a Paleo diet, but the pillars of Keto: high fat, medium/low protien, low carb, had slipped. I was still fairly low- carb, but the high fat was missing.

I realized that most of my podcasting, search for motivation and inspiration was in the Paleo world.

To be honest I’d steered away from Jimmy Moore as I found the “book sales” aspect distracting. I don’t want to be “sold” all the time. And he’d taken a break to write his next book and the podcasts were not what I was looking for…and as we know…the world revolves around me!

But today listening I was reminded of all the reasons why Keto works for me, and I found my focus.

For all my strengths, I recognize I am very much influenced by my environment. And since I was spending “car time” with Paleo folks, that was what permeated my subconscious.

The best news is that I think, when I reach goal, I can either stay Keto, or broaden my food choices into a Paleo world, and know I won’t regain the weight.

I was so excited with this revelation – was very troubled to have lost my way – I stopped and bought Jimmy’s book.

I need to get back to the fundamentals. Jimmy helped me get started, Jimmy needs to help me keep going.

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