The “After” Myth


Reading this strikes a huge cord with me, so many thoughts to digest


Originally posted on Can Anybody Hear Me?:



It’s here.

In my first post, Before, 3 years ago, I said “I’m not to After yet, but I’m closer to After than to Before.”

I now weigh 117 – 120 pounds (depending on the day), and standing at 5-foot 6-inches, that measurement means that After is very, very here. But, before you congratulate me, dear readers…if I have any…and dear friends and family who I know follow this blog… I have to come clean with you: I don’t feel like I’m at After. I’m terrified of being at After. And, I don’t like that After is here.

After5 2

The tagline of my blog is “uncovering myself one pound at a time.” For most of this blog, I’ve spoken strongly about how my relationship with food and myself was what caused my weight struggles. I stand by that. The thing is, the symptoms have resolved faster than I’ve been able to…

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I don’t want my dying thought to be about my weight

Been struggling

I started this blog as an accountability check, a motivational push and a way of thinking the journey out loud.

Well this winter has been a real struggle, for many real and imagined reasons.

My stress level is through the roof for reasons one, two and three. When your job involves making pretty life consequential decisions for other people’s lives, it can get pretty upsetting.

So I tried a variety of coping mechanisms, some worked most didn’t.

I was skipping the gym, well down to 2 days a week, to preserve what energy I had. I kept to the Keto lifestyle but allowed the carb creep to occur.  I found pie was something I fought against regularly.  No idea why it was pie, but it was.  That and mincemeat tarts at Christmas.  But someone gave me a Keto friendly mincemeat recipe, but as it was date based, was still pretty high in fruit sugar.

And I am super sensitive to any carb creep. Even sweet potato fries are too much.

Until I get this stress under control, I have to really adhere to this lifestyle in order to make any weight loss.

The confession is I’ve put back on 10 15.  That’s not the end of the world, and I know why.  It’s all hormones and stress.  It has to be. Because if it’s not, then I don’t stand a chance.


So I’m going back to the beginning.  Back to the gym, putting that first. While the energy loss expended is huge and I need every ounce, sacrificing that time for me, hasn’t worked. I’ll focus on yoga, swimming and building muscle. Easy on the cardio.

I’ll fight the pie.

I am an all or nothing person, so no carb creep. Just focusing in on how I use to do things, keeping lots of good food handy, and finding other ways to ‘reward’ or ‘treat’ myself.

It feels good to refocus.

And part of this focus is to get back to blogging.

De Grote Man


love the comment:

“It’s entirely doable. And yes, you’ll have setbacks. And yes, you’ll fall off the wagon and hate yourself and crawl back on. And yes, you’ll get to a point where you won’t see any difference…but it’s happening. Your arteries are becoming more flexible and blood is flowing. Your muscles become stronger, your lungs fill more easily and to greater capacity. Most importantly, you’ll have more ENERGY. And then it will become a drug. You’ll LOVE the feeling of sore muscles. You’ll CRAVE stepping on the scale. Three more pounds. Five more pounds. Two pounds. Only one pound this week, but still! Fuck, man! Eleven pounds! That’s like a big brown paper grocery sack full of Campbell’s Soup cans! And it’s GONE FROM YOUR BODY! And then you’ll stop losing weight. It will confuse you at first, then you’ll realize that you’ve actually GAINED muscle tissue (not like, ripped fuel super-metRX gainer power jacked, but shit, man…muscle!) and realize that muscle weighs more than fat per square inch but it burns more calories, so working just as hard as you have been you’re already burning more calories and then it’s three pounds gone. And two. And five. And you’ll have a moment of victory, a little thing like “Holy shit! I can totally see my toes just standing here! This is awesome! I’m peeing and can see where I’m aiming! Guys! Guys, come look at this!” And it’ll make you so goddam, deliriously happy. It’ll feel good because YOU did that. YOU. No special pill or surgery or program or whatever. It’s eating spinach and nuts and walking around the block and it’s all you. I can’t wait, man. It’s gonna be so awesome.”

Originally posted on CJJMFG:

I’m tired, guys.

Tired of feeling like shit.

Tired of feeling inadequate.

Tired of getting the front seat by default.

Tired of sometimes not being able to put a seat belt on.

Tired of being a third wheel.

Tired of assuming I’m not allowed to date attractive people.

Tired of people asking me if I’m OK as we walk a few blocks.

Tired of pretending to be afraid of roller coasters when I only avoid them because I know I can’t fit.

Tired of the disgusting sound me knees make when I trudge up a flight of stairs.

Tired of being unsure whether I’m having a heart attack or just getting worked up over nothing.

Tired of being fat.


I want to change. I have to change. I don’t want to croak before I hit 26.

These past few weeks have been kind of hellish for me, maybe not on…

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“Do One Thing Every Day That Scares You”: Comfort Zones, Vulnerability and Success.

Exercise vs. Diet: Which Is More Important for Weight Loss?

Yes, we should all eat healthier. Yes, we should exercise every day. There are infinite things wecould do in order to be healthier, like sit less, eat more vegetables, eat less processed food, or drink less alcohol. But they don’t take into account the reality of life: we are all constrained by a finite amount of resources such as time, energy, willpower, and money. Recommendations that don’t take this into account can easily make us feel like we are failing our fitness and health goals.

5 Reasons You’re Not Losing Weight

It’s the last 2 that resonate for me:

4. You are focusing too much on the scale. Put your scale away and stop letting it determine your mood or measure your success! Getting frustrated by the numbers on the scale can cause unnecessary stress that can lead to increased cortisol! Cortisol has been termed the “stress hormone” because excess cortisol is secreted during times of physical or physiological stress. It has been shown to cause an increase of fat in the abdominal area and also an increase of appetite.

Instead, measure your progress by how your clothes fit, how you look and most of all how you feel. Remember, just because the scale is not moving it does NOT mean you are moving in the wrong direction. The scale is NOT a true indication of your progress. Start using your own set of eyes and your own instincts to learn your body and listen to the signs your body gives you. If you are following your plan and being consistent with your efforts, I promise you, all of your hard work is paying off!

5. Too much cardio and not enough weightlifting. It is common to think that lifting weights can add unnecessary size and bulk, and that cardio will help trim you down, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. Weight training will not only help shape your body and give you the beautiful curves you are looking for, it will also add nice, lean muscle. The more lean muscle you have, the faster your metabolism is and therefore the faster you will lose body fat.

There is no other way to do this than to be consistent with weight training, a healthy diet and a realistic amount of cardio. Cardio is an essential component, but not the only component! Doing endless amounts of cardio can potentially break down muscle tissue and therefore cause a decrease in metabolism and slow down fat loss. Focus on your weight training and diet and use cardio as a secondary source of exercise but do not use cardio as a sole means of fat loss.

Sometimes I’m amazed at how much my weight bounces around.  I  can gain and lose the same 10 pounds over and over, in a matter of days.  If I get enough sleep it comes off, I don’t, on it goes.

I think my ‘current weight’ is actually a range, not a set number.  As I consistenly lose, I still bounce around.  I use to bounce at 220-230, then I got down further, but still have that flux of 10 pounds.

Now I hover around the 200 mark, under and over – yes it’s a new fresh layer of hell when you’re bouncing around such a signfiicant number – so I’m just going to keep going.


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